Wednesday, October 2, 2013

VIRTUAL PARAMOURS FOR NETWORKING PEOPLE


I’m being constantly bugged by robot programs and young women looking for a good man to marry, or so they say. Phishing websites have an ‘evolve or die’ attitude, y’know?

At first, they tried to fish info out of me with robot programs. But they are too impersonal: they just contact you when you are not logged in, drop a funny line (Hi Jeffrey, how r u? I’m here in Ao Nang and I’m sooo bored. I’m not always on FB, so it’s better if u give me ur cell number, so I can contact u directly. Stay hot!), then disconnect before you can reply.
It’s not going to work in the long distance.

So, they are now hiring actual people: they create a fake account in a social network (you can spot them by the profile pic showing a gorgeous gal or guy in a sexy pose and by the lack of personal info), send you a friendship request, then immediately contact you by private messages. And you can have some interesting (?) conversation with them.

Most of my author friends often complain about receiving this kind of messages. Heck, they contact you even on Goodreads.

‘Eeewww,  had a guy, half the age of my grandson, hitting on me in my inbox…”

That’s not a guy trying to get into your knickers. He just wants your phone number.

Well, this kind of thing can be clearly useless, but I’ve learned from a humorist blogger (Don Mills) that you can get some cheap fun, just for the sake of it.

Here’s an actual conversation between me and a ‘Maria.
Enjoy.

THE FIRST DAY  

Maria
Hello

JK
Hi

Maria
how are you doing to day

JK
Good.
How can I help you?

Maria
just making friends here

JK
How did you find me?
Spotted me in some groups?

Maria
i am a new people on facebook

JK
Interested in writers?
I see you are friend with Joe.
Oh, btw, where are you typing from?

THE SECOND DAY

Maria
i am here

JK
Hi again.

Maria
how are you doing today

JK
Fine thanks. What about you?

Maria
i am also fine

JK
Good to hear that.

Maria
yes\
where do you come from

JK
Born in the US, but I live in the UK
You?

Maria
okj
i was born in US to but now im living in tamale

JK
Tamale?

Maria
yes
that is in wast Africa

JK
Ghana?

Maria
yes

JK
Are you a reader?

Maria
do you know ghana

JK
No, never been there.

Maria
so what do you know about ghana

JK
I just know it's a country
And ...

Maria
ok i am living in ghana with my mum

JK
Ghana, officially the Republic of Ghana, is a sovereign nation-state and unitary presidential constitutional republic located on the Gulf of Guinea and Atlantic Ocean in Africa. Ghana consists of ten territorial administrative regions with several islands and it is bordered by the Ivory Coast to the west, Burkina Faso to the north, Togo to the east and the Gulf of Guinea and Atlantic Ocean to the south. The word Ghana means “Warrior King”.
That's all I know.

Maria
oh i see
how old are you

JK
Too old. I'm vergin’ 45.

Maria
No
So married or single

JK
Been married for 19 years, now I'm living with my new Lady.

Maria
Ok what is the name of your lady

JK
Why do you want to know my Lady's name?

Maria
Ok
Oh i just asking

JK
I mean, it's an odd conversation, don't you agree?
Do you want to know my Lady? I can introduce you to her. She is a writer, like me.

Maria
Ok
I see

JK
What do you for a living, Maria?
Are you a writer? A publisher? An editor?

Maria
Right now im looking for a good man to get married

JK
Oh, I see
And you are looking for it on ... the web?
I can point you to some dating sites.

THE FOLLOWING MORNING

Maria
Hello There,
am here for you are you there with me as well?

JK
Sorry, just fell asleep, ma'am. You ask questions, then answer back after a long while. I’m no longer a young lad.

Maria
Ok
So can you give me your phone number so i can taxi you

JK
Sure, here's a photo of my phone
Hope it can help
I can even send you a pic of my home.

Maria
Ok

JK
That's my flat:

Maria
So can i have the number

JK
Do you want a pic of my driving license, too?

Maria
Ok

JK
Oh, sorry I lost it, but I can send you a pic of my Babylon 5 Fan Club card
Can you send me a pic of you wearing a Vorlon suit?

Maria
Ok

JK
Thanks, I really appreciate.

Maria
can i have the number

JK
That's a pic of my passport

Maria
ok..

JK
Sorry, been busy looking for my phone number

Maria
ok
so did you get it
..?

JK
Excellent news. I was able to locate my driver’s license. It was in the socks drawer, right next to an old business card and some suspicious old and dirty undies.
Attached is a photo.
Maria
oh good
Hello Dear , Can you Give me your Cell Phone Number when ever i get Online i can text you to come on as well.

JK
Dear Miss Cass, unfortunately I do have some urgent business to deal with. I sincerely hope you'll be here when I'll be back from the shi ... I mean, the bathroom.
My Best
JK

JK
Maria?
Are you there?
Here’s a photographic scan of my passport. I think that will help.

My Best,
JK

P.S.: Still eagerly waiting for that Vorlon suit pic …


So, next time you are approached by those lovingly helpful virtual paramours, don't be rude. 
Just bring then on a wild goose chase.
MY BEST







3 comments:

  1. snort!! very good... and so patient of you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I mess with them too! It's the Nigerian Prince scam all over again, only with MOAR COWBELL! :)

    ~Robin

    ReplyDelete
  3. She is still contacting me. Hope to write part 2.

    ReplyDelete