Monday, December 31, 2012

FEEDING AXEL’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS


New Year's Eve has always been a time for looking back to the past, and more importantly, forward to the coming year. It's a time to reflect on the changes we want to make and resolve to follow through on those changes.
I’m going to ask Dr. Axel J. Hyde what are his top New Year’s resolutions.

 

Jeff: Recent polls conducted by General Nutrition Centers, Quicken, and others shows that more than 50% of Americans vow to appreciate loved ones and spend more time with family and friends this year. Work shouldn't always come first.
So, do you plan on spending more time with your loved ones?

Axel: I don’t think so. I have no one to care about, being a solitary and barely social individual. I’d like to find someone ‘special’, someone like … me, but, honestly, who would live with a weirdo like me. I just plan to simulate my affection for my … what’s that word? Ah, girlfriend.
Yeah, I have one, but it’s just a way to distract people attention. Morena is a woman with issues toward men, so perfectly fits with me. We are more like playmates than lovers.
Yet, I feel …
Forget it, I don’t feel. I can’t.

Jeff: Regular exercise has been associated with more health benefits than anything else known to man. Studies show that it reduces the risk of some cancers, increases longevity, helps achieve and maintain weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure, and even improves arthritis. In short, exercise keeps you healthy and makes you look and feel better. Why not make this the time to start getting in shape?

Axel: Me? I can’t get bigger and stronger than this. I practice kayaking in the swamps, love hiking on Seminole trails and hunting. Yes, hunting. I hunt a lot. So, that’s a worthless resolution, and to be honest, I’d like to develop a big bulge on my belly and spend more time watching TV as most do. But it won’t happen …

Jeff: Over 66% of adult Americans are considered overweight or obese by recent studies, so it is not surprising to find that weight loss is one of the most popular New Year's resolutions. Why would wish something for like that?

Axel: Being overweight would mean having a normal and peaceful life to me. No needs, except rushing to the nearest fast food for a greasy meal and some carbonated beverage. For as much as it may sound weird … yes, I wish I were a big fat ass.

Jeff:  Given the hectic, stressful lifestyles of millions of Americans, it is no wonder that "enjoying life more" has become a popular resolution in recent years. Just get out and try something new! Take up a new hobby or try your hand at skiing. Go to a theater performance, or head to the local spa.

Axel: As I said, I practice a lot of sports, so that’s out of question. A new hobby? Nah, I have too many … none pleasant to Joe/Jane Average.

Jeff: I can’t ask you to quit smoking because you don’t. To pay back your debts because you have none. Help others? Learn something new? In short, Axel, what are you resolutions?

Axel: I don’t know. I never plan things like those. I don’t even understand this practice. I remember my uncle Angus doing that every year - may he burn in Hell - and regularly ignoring his vows from day one. Same thing happens to a lot of people. No, I’ll be more realistic, being a tidy and organized … being. Here’s a list of what I want to do next year, but please, keep it secret.

Jeff: Mouth’s sealed.

Axel: First thing first, I want a brand new vanadium-reinforced chainsaw. One of those shiny ones that never get rusty teeth. Next, I want to understand more this ‘thing’ inside me, this ‘urge’ I’m feeding. For that, I’m planning a trip to New Orleans, my work schedule permitting. Want to pay a visit to a Houngan who used to commune with spirits in Grassy swamp last year and having some illicit fun with little gals on the side. I never met him, but one of those poor little bodies we fished out of Lover’s point gave me some … clues about his whereabouts. I’ll ask him a couple questions before … saying him goodbye.
My last one is about Morena, my … bestfriend? Nah, girlfriend – heck, I hate that word. I want her to find someone else. I think she deserves some lovin’. After all, she’s human, unlike me.

Jeff: Sweet, thanks for the interview. Now, would you please untie me? This darn slab is chilling my ass …



HAPPY 2013, FOLKS
Stay away from troubles and have a look at the new version of ‘Feeding the Urge’.
What’s new?
A wonderful cover, some minor tweaks (edited by Natalie G. Owens) making it flow better. An introduction by Kat ‘Vengeance is Mine’ Yares and one from me. Maps of Prosperity Glades – you can even pinpoint it on map of Florida now – and some funny pictures.


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